willow705

07:36 pm: Postage
Right, so school started last week. 
Yippee.

And....I've had tons of hw.
Our Latin American History books are HILARIOUS because they are totally like "the US/Europe has oppressed Latin America forever and they SUCK" or, something along thos lines. 
And stats is death because of Mr. B and his lack of teaching/keeping people awake ability.
And Ms. B-d is annoying and a stupid college counselor because she's all condescending and basically tells me that no college would look twice at me unless they saw my um....personality.
Whatever.  Every time I talk with her I give up hope.
I'm like...who needs college anyways?  Not me.  I don't need it.  Screw the lifelong dream of Sarah Lawrence.
Nope.
None of that.
Grawr.

And I'm PMing, so I won't delve into the unhappy and angry feelings that are REALLY going on within me right now. 
And I have a headache. 

I'm kind of a failure.
 

08:17 pm: I just...can't
I can't look at myself.
I refuse to remove my clothes, for fear or what lies beneath.
The wretched surface
and what lies beneath that is even worse.
The person.
Could I even call it a person?
The mutant hiding from the light
hands over her face.
A blob.

Don't look at me!
I don't want you to see...
to see what is me.

In moments of passion and lust
I won't even take off my shirt.
She probably thinks I'm crazy...that I didn't want her.
I did.
But if she saw...if she saw she would never want e.
A smile can fool
but my nakedness will blind and burn and kill.

You don't want to see me.
I can't even see me.

I cried when I passed the oven door.
The distorted image of myself in its reflection
may not be so distorted after all.

The shadow that I cast on the sidewalk is too big.
It looms.
I want to stab it.
Or to wash it away
to spit at it
and tell it "Go to HELL!"
and never see it again.

My mother's more worried about the freshman fifteen than I am.
Be careful she says.
That's right, be careful.
She can't look at me now...just imagine.

I can imagine.
And this keyboard is going to sizzle and break from my tears.
But I can't stop them.

I spend too much time in my room.
I won't tell you how I'm feeling, lest you reject me.
Rejection is everything.
The only things that care are a stuffed bunny and a bear.
They can hear
and they don't care that my eyes and my nose leak
and that everything inside me is broken.

They're not like her.
That one.
The other.
They don't want to tattoo on their faces.
They don't want to stay blond forever
and they don't care whether I make them lots of money.

People could learn a lot about love from inanimate objects.

CLICK.
Photos. 
Goddess, I could kill myself.
I used to gag at the site of them.
I once actually got sick.
My face made me sick.
My body.
Everything.
Reeking of despair
and a rotting mind.
I could have been a perfectly good person
but I turned the wrong way
and am now everything you wished that you weren't. 

08:19 am: Sigh.
So, here comes school.

I still have crushage on a girl that is uninterested in me.  But she's amazing.  Le sigh.

I don't want to go to college.  I mean, I do, but I don't want to go through the stress of senior year.  SENIOR YEAR.  Can you believe it?
Seems like just yesterday I was coming home from shadowing at Casti and telling my mom that I had never seen so many white people before.
It's weird.  No matter how much I want to deny it, I am one of them.  And though I can get sick of the people sometimes, I'm not sure I'm ready to leave.  I know it'll be another year until I'm faced with that...but still.  It's intimidating.  And I feel so incompetent.  Like, I have done nothing and therefore will not get into college.  There are so many people who have done so much more...what am I?  What have I done?  Sat around on the computer, complaining?  It's pathetic.

When I was younger, I couldn't imagine myself living past 25...I thought I'd have offed myself before then.  And then, for about a year, I could.  I was going to grow old and be happy goddamn it.  But now?  Getting to 20 seems like a long shot.
And who's going to be there to stop me?

Everything about me is wrong.  I'm not attractive, which should mean that I should make up for that by being smart...but I'm not smart.  I'm disgusting.  A disgusting blob.  I sit here and live my life through other people's.  Their relationships, their grades, their classes, their parents, their likes and dislikes...I have no life of my own.  It's like there's nothing here for me but a bunch of air that has been contaminated by my mere existence in its vicinity. 
I wish I could just run away forever...but where would I go?  And it would involve exposing myself to the outside world...allowing people to see the grossness that is me.  God, I could throw up.
Until a few days ago, I hadn't looked in a mirror for like two weeks.  Simply because I didn't have the heart.  I couldn't stand it.  I still can't stand it.  But now it's worse....I can barely look at my hand, typing this.  I see how pathetic it is.  How pathetic I am.

Fuck.

02:49 pm: Content, worried, and also disappointed.
There seems to be a plethora (good word, eh?) of emotions going on within me right now.

I am content.  I have a week until school starts.  I will be returning to the familiar, yes. 
I just finished Shakespeare Camp yesterday and can still feel everyone's love hovering around me.  It's warm, and I enjoy it.
The people around me seem to be happy, for the most part, and that makes me giddy. 

But I'm worried.  Because I'm going back to school and therefore embarking upon the entirely new and confusing journey of seniordom and college applications.  I won't go to Shakespeare Camp next year, as it has gone quite downhill, and it would never be the same.  I'm leaving the people that have supported me for four years, and I'm afraid that I might not see them again.  I'm not particularly good at keeping in touch.

The worries that I have make me disappointed.  It's rather tragic. 
And plus, the girl I liked has a thing for someone else.  The girl I liked last year screwed around with me again this year and then while we were still in bed proceeded to tell me about how in love she is with her ex boyfriend. 

So that's how that goes.

I guess I could post more, but I'm not really in the mood.
Though, I will say that Shakespeare Camp rocked.  I was Pisanio (aka pissy).  Just a servant guy.  But it was cool.

Oh.  One more thing for my happiness.
I was about to end the entry, and then I looked over and saw this marvelous green necklace. 
On...probably Weds, I had told "Nedef" that I liked it (he was wearing many necklaces for his costume) and he was like "Yeah, it's one of frodo_alanna'sfavorites too" (he was borrowing them from her) and I was like "awesomeness". 
And then, after the show, frodo_alanna put it around my neck and I looked at her, perplexed, asking, "what?".  She gave me the necklace.
I know she's probably reading this right now (don't deny it ;p ).
I can barely describe how much it meant to me.  I was going to start re-crying (if I hadn't done enough of that in the appreciation circle).
And now, it's on my nightstand, looking at me and reminding me that there <i>is</i> happiness in the world.  And that people (or at least one person) <i>do</i> care.  And it makes my world go round.  Darling, you rock my world like no other. 
I love you :)
<3

And now I'll end my post.

11:20 pm: YAY
My internet connection is back!
Party!

And I have some totally insane relatives over at my house for the next few days.
And I hope tea with Tysa went marvelously. 

And now he/ SOUNDS LIKE/ *growls*thisssssssss*end growl*

In other news.  Lines = NOT MEMORIZED. 
Monologue = death.
I hate[th] my tiredness. 
Head hurts.
Tis late.
Blahhhh.

06:54 pm: Shakespeare Camp
Started today.  Which made me happy.
I love my family.  They're so...magical.
Kelly (a girl from DeFrank) totally goes there now...interestingness.  Sadly she's not in my cast :(
She rocks :D
Anyways...we're doing Cymbeline, which is a very much complicated story.  J would sometimes fail to mention things, such as why Imogen confuses Cloten's body with her husband's.  All of us are like, "soo, she thinks he's her husband because he was wearing the same clothes as him? Why can't she recognize her own husband??" But then, a little while later, we find out that it's because Cloten was <b>beheaded!</b> No wonder.


Went to CUBUS booksale thing today...saw Xan and, weirdly enough, Natalie too. 

I'm in a pretty good mood right now.  My uterus started shedding earlier (not so good), but it's not like it's the end of the world (though, come tomorrow, it will be).

Casting comes out tomorrow....hopefully I'll get an okay part?  Nadav wants to be Iachamo (sp?).
I kinda do too.  Hm.

And Darth Vader boy is back...only without the DV voice. 
Though.
Now.
When he. 
Reads.
Lines.
It sounds.
Kinda.
Like. 
This.
*grunt*

We're all missing the Chris and the Tysa dearly.  And Sara too.  Where'd she go?! Hmf. 
Too lazy to post more.
Turns out my quilt square that I haven't started is due on Aug 27th though.  Fun times.

10:38 pm: Howdy.
Hello friends.

Long time no post, eh?

It could be a sign that I'm going downhill though.  I haven't felt the need to post here for a while...but now I do.  I'm lonely.  Quite lonely.
I realize that sometimes I'm not exactly the best at keeping in touch with friends...but then I get angry when I see that in the meantime they've become closer with other people that they know, which is perfectly natural of them.  I dislike that it bothers me so much.
Sigh.

I keep forgetting to take my happy pills.  It was hard to remember to take them because they were on my desk, and my desk was a mess, and so I couldn't see the bottle....heh.

In other news...I have a nose piercing.  In case none of you knew this already.

And I have a facebook note with a bunch of new poetry in it.  So you can check that out if you're bored or willing to torture yourself.
Shakespeare camp starts on Monday.  The CUBUS booksale thing is on Monday too...which sucks because I have to take the stupid train down there and such.  Not cool.  Not cool.

I haven't seen my shrink in a long time...she had to have hip surgery.  :(
Frowny face.
Last time I didn't see her in a while was around Spring Musical.
We went 3 weeks without seeing each other.  That lead to some badness. 
I kind of...alienated my friends (friend?) and now nothing has been the same between us since.  It doesn't bother me as much as it did.  It bothered me too much for a long time.  So much, infact, that there was some fun time spent with my scalpel.   The scar hasn't gone away.  My hand turned blue.  A purpleish blue.  It was fascinating.  But wrong.  Wrong of me to revert to that.
Though there is good news.  When I cleaned out my room at my aunt's house, so I could move back to my house (which, we have officially been living in for about 2 months now), I threw away the scalpel.  And the rest of the dissection kit. 
So it's gone now.
My broken CDs do still remain in my CD case though.  I can't deny that.

And I'm a Peer Educator with Planned Parenthood now (or, will be as soon as I'm done training).
And I haven't started working on college essays or my quilt square and OH MY GOD I'm going to be a senior.

That's pretty much how my thoughts have been working out.
I've watched a lot of Bones this week...just because I felt like rewatching all of the episodes.
It's such a good show.

I don't even know what to say anymore.  I feel weird about writing in here again. 
I think I missed it. 
Maybe I'll post again soon.

10:31 pm: Nuggets of wisdom
More of  the wise quotes that can be found in my homework.

"The bison are dying and disease is spreading like crazy.  Life is no good."

07:49 pm: Happy New Year
So.  Er.  I just watched The Waitress (I bought it for my mom for xmas) an it's really good.  Dude, Mal from Firefly/Serenity/Buffy is HELLA  in it.  Muahaha.  Not the point.

It's New Year's Eve...and I'm at home, alone, again.  Yup.  There's my exciting life for you.  I mean, I could have gone to a restaurant w/Carlos + Patty (Guido's old college roommate + wife) and their kids and some other people that we know (through them) and then some more people that we don't know....but I opted out (Guido was going to make me go, but luckily my mom made him change his mind)

Anyways.  I'm not quite sure what I'm doing.  It's very lonely when you start watching a movie with someone, who then leaves to go out and party (well, I don't know how much of a party my mom will be having--she doesn't know Spanish, so that kind of screws her for conversation, and she's got to be the designated driver, because god forbid Guido refrain from drinking) and then when you finish the movie, you're like "Hm...what to do....mac & cheese?  Chill with the dog?  Go on the computer?  Read?"  My aunt doesn't even have cable, so there goes the idea of decent TV (though she has a lovely television set, it's all pretty and new--much better than the one that she used to have.  Y'know, the kind where you have to turn the little knobs to get the stations?)

So, anyyywayyyss, HAPPY NEW YEAR.

I hope it's splendid. 

03:13 pm: creepy...
So, I'm innocently in the fruit section at Safeway because we ate my aunt's pears.  My mom obliviously headed toward the organic pears, and of course I must correct her "those are organic"  she gave me a blank stare, "the more expensive ones," I added.  She nodded and turned to the other fruit.  "Yes," I said, "Those are the mass produced, cheap ones."
And then, this random African-American man with a bit of a beard, glasses and one earring turns to me and says, "You're beautiful."
I look at him strangely.  "It's true, you are," he continued.  I laughed awkwardly and continued to walk towards my mother who was now by the oranges.  She had seen the encounter, but did not hear what he said, so she asked me.  I replied "That guy just told me I'm beautiful," laughingly.  She laughed too, and the man said from across the way  "it's true" and my mom and I continue giggling, and she says "that is something to laugh about!" and I responded "yeah, really."
And so I stood next to her as she got the pears.  Unfortunately I was kind of in the way of the man, who needed to get by with his basket, so I discreetly moved forward to give him room.  He gave a bit of a bow and said, "Excuse me beautiful woman," and walked off toward the grapes.


....?

10:38 am: Oh dear.
LM will find this amusing.
So, basically, yesterday I referred to my cousins as the "F1 generation"

....

09:11 pm: Quotage
So far...

While making cookies on Sunday, my aunt looks at one of my gingerbread people and says
Oh!  How cute!  It looks like a little slave girl!

And now for today...

Aunt (walking in rather late and heading toward the kitchen):  Don't talk to me.

...

09:12 am: Ms. Lonneepoo would be so proud!
So, I made my breakfast this morning, and then noticed something very enlightening.
Ahem, my extremely c@st!-esque foodstuffs:
Persian bread with American butter and Mexican honey, washed down with Indian tea.
They should elect me to make a speech about my global breakfast skills.

06:28 am: My brain in the wee hours of the morning
Weird things that my brain has come up with in the wee hours of the morning: 
A few days ago, at 4am:
"Existentialist kitsch:  both the Drug and the Anti-Drug"

Today (just a few minutes ago)
"RNA:  does DNA's dirty work."  

...I'm sure more will come as I continue studying for finals.

Overheard:

Aunt Diane (to my mother):  You have a Jesus, I hope.

On Biology:
Non-pathogenic (no kill) + heat-killed (no kill) --> dead mouse

Tags: existentialism, kitsch, morning, rna

06:52 pm: I now know what I was born to do.....
Mother:  Come help me do the lights of the tree
Aunt Diane:  Yeah, you're tall
Me:  ....no.
Mother:  But that's the reason we birthed you!
A.D:  Yeah, no other reason
Mother:  in case there was any doubt in your mind
AD:  Sorry Charlie Brown
Me:  So, my sole purpose in life is to help with the Christmas tree?
Mother:  Yup.  Now, come on!
AD:  *looks over my shoulder at history homework and makes an awkward growling noise that she's so good at....*
Me:  ...no.

07:36 pm: There was a gang shooting literally right across the street from my house.
I had many dreams involving my dissection kit last night.
And I'm feeling very strange.

The end.

08:45 pm: Tijuana
So.  I got back from Tijuana yesterday.
Of course, this resulted in a lot of vomit and feelings of horribleness, so I had to miss yet another day of school.
Mexico was fun.  Helping build the school, and spending time with the little kiddies...I really liked it.
Casa del Migrante was amazing.  It's so strange to talk to people who are nervously awaiting to cross the border.  One guy was leaving that night.  You could see how nervous he was. 
The guy I sat across from kept asking for my number.  He also wanted to know whether or not I liked Mexicans, and if I would marry one.  It was a little awkward, but whatever.
Somehow I had always assumed that the people I know would be more comfortable with the idea of illegal immigration...but most people were pretty strongly against it.  That was strange.

But what was worse was when we went to the border.  The gate went up in 1994 during "Project Gatekeeper".  The second gate went up after 9/11.  It was so sad.  I was sobbing, and you know what most other people were doing?  Laughing.  Making fun of the names on the crosses that were put up in honor of the people for Dia de los Muertos.
I was so mad.  I thought they'd have hearts.  I suppose I was wrong. 

And then we went to the Playas border.  It's weird to see that Mexico is developed way up close to the border, and yet when you look over to the US side, there is absolutely nothing except some border control cars.  Before, the only thing that indicated you were leaving the US or Mexico was this triangular monument type thing, but now there's a fence.  It's one of the only places where the fence is transparent.  There used to be a gate, so people could go and talk to each other and cross the border.  Now there is no gate.  The US side is no longer called "Friendship Park" (it is now "Border Field State Park") and you should see "Friendship Garden" (that's on the Mexico side).  It's completely dead. 

I'm so pissy right now.

Anyways.  I suppose I'll post some poems I wrote while in Tijuana:
and....

05:56 pm: Sentiments of a free period...

11:24 pm: I'm actually missing the days when a sharp pointy object was the answer to everything.

08:16 pm: Er. So, friends, I trust that all is well?
I saw this gal I dig today.
Twas nice.

Anyways.

I recently realized how excited I was to go to FDDD with Mr. C....and how depressed I am now that he's not coming (he had to go visit a friend).
So here I am, depressed because I don't have a father person to go with me to FDDD.
So really, for me, it's just DD and there probably won't be much dancing, because I usually roam around the edges of the dance floor watching everyone be all happy and such with their fathers.
I generally begin to feel the urge run to the bathroom and cry when they play "My Girl". But I manage.

So, I'm sure Saturday will just be a blast, now won't it?

Sigh.